What You Probably Never Wanted to Know About Political Sex Scandals (But Are Fixin' To Learn An

April Fools Edition

Today The Planet pauses from its usual workaday reporting of the great events of the day—tornadoes, tidal waves, the Methodist Men’s Luncheon—to tackle the question most often posed by readers: “If you’re such a hotshot investigative reporter, why don’t you ever post jaw-dropping photos of our county commissioners with their mistresses in Argentina?” The simplest answer is that the commissioners, or anyway the ones who don’t pay The Planet for silence, seem to be uniformly Argentine mistress-free. For a more complicated one, The Planet contacted Telall Gladley, PhD, adultery chair at Political Vice and Venality, the Washington, D.C., think tank and staffing agency. Dr. Gladley confirmed that county commissioners seldom have South American paramours. “It’s a matter of salary and travel time,” he said. “Really, unless you have family money or a slew of Frequent Flyer miles, you have to be at least a lieutenant governor before you aspire to a broad abroad.” Gladley apologized for the inherent sexism of the term but pointed out the field is heavily male-dominated; it is male leaders who typically must worry about reporters sniffing out their amatory misdoings, female pols being more commonly plagued press-wise by editorial cartoonists who target their facial wrinkles and butt size. Anyway, he said, a certain randiness is typical alpha male behavior. “A primo place at the trough is not the only reason to run for boss hog,” said Gladley. “You also get first crack at the sows.” But like political perks, bribes and campaign contributions, he explained, mistress opportunities increase the higher a leader climbs on the political ladder and are fewer and further between on the lower rungs. “United State senators might have a soul mate tucked away in the Bahamas,” he said. “State senators may very well have to settle for a liver-quivering lady in LaFayette.” As for our local representatives in the statehouse: “Don’t swallow any happy horse patootie about their sharing an apartment in Atlanta where they spend their evenings in Bible study,” said Gladley. “Pickings might be slimmer but boys will still be boys and that usually means at least a girlfriend in Austell.” But as for county commissioners? Sorry to disappoint, said Gladley, but with some exceptions it’s a part-time job with a part-time salary. “It’s an important civic duty,” he said with a shrug. “But realistically, with what they’re paid, most of your local guys are tickled pink to get called ‘hon’ by a Waffle House waitress.”

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