Your September Planet Horoscope

Editor's Note: In this useful new feature from The Dade Planet, professional prognosticator Madame I. Liner looks into the stars for helpful hints to guide you through the perils and pleasures of your destiny. Madam I's qualifications are top-of-the-(eye)line--her earrings are the biggest, her eye makeup is the blackest, and her turban is the starriest. If you have questions for Madam I. Liner, send them to

Pour your heart and soul into doing what you love! Toss your head at convention and follow your dream! Pay naysayers not the slightest heed. Unless they have a gun, court order or warrant for your arrest. If so, heed already. Wear the yellow shirt. Ditch those striped pants before someone you love ditches you. Avoid string beans.

It may seem tempting to pour your heart and soul into doing what you love, but doing what you love is for losers. If you want to get anywhere in life you’ve got to roll up your shirtsleeves, put your nose to the grindstone and get R done. Those who follow their dreams are sleeping on the job. Sorry, kid, them’s the rules. Get over it. Keep a stiff upper lip, and don’t read other people’s horoscopes, it will only depress you.

Did you learn nothing from the first three divorces? Give up the hottie or you’re due for another trip to the cleaners. Honestly, get a hobby, you’re getting too old for this. Don’t wear the brown shoes today. The moon is in the first house, your sun is in Libra and anyway the damn things don’t go with anything you own. Drop that libel suit or someone will have you whacked.

Question anything that appears sketchy. If something seems too good to be true, it usually is. All that glitters isn’t gold. Not everybody you think is a friend even likes you. There is a plot against you. Trust no one. Don't eat the spaghetti, it will kill you. Can’t say more in print but will send messages through your fillings. Hide!

Things are tight this month. Watch your money! The sums you've spent on clothes will make you feel guilty. They ought to. You can’t afford it. Take everything back. You didn't sweat much and the chocolate stains look like part of the pattern. Anyway those pants made your ass look like Jupiter.

Someone asking for your help really needs it, but hadn’t you better help yourself first? Give him or her a pep talk but no trade secrets or hard cash,and make sure they don’t pinch anything from the coffee table on the way out. BTW you shouldn’t have put earnest money on the house if you couldn’t afford the payments. At this point there’s nothing to do but tough it out, though, or burn it for the insurance.

A romantic or thoughtful gesture will improve your relationship with some special someone. Make sure it’s the right special someone, though. Not everyone wants a romantic or thoughtful gesture. In fact I believe there are still charges pending from the last time you made a romantic or thoughtful gesture. Oh, forget it. Keep your hands in plain sight and fulfill all requirements outlined in your parole agreement.

Emotions will be hard to control, particularly if you don’t take your meds. It might be a good idea to up the dosage in fact. Try to find the good in every situation you encounter. But it’s going to be rough because I see nothing in your stars this month but s**tstorms and train wrecks. Is there any way you can stay in bed? Visit a friend with a substance abuse problem and see if they'll share.

Discuss your intentions with somebody you love. Tell them the truth this time. They never really bought the story about the man at the gas station. Honesty really is the best policy and the second best is to take notes. Take some special someone out to dinner. The special someone can't stand your cooking. And nobody likes your hair like that.

Take better care of your health. Don’t change your lifestyle because of pressure from outside sources. (Except that you should take better care of your health because your god damned horoscope says so.) Get your teeth cleaned. They look like barnacles. Are you really going to wear that? And stand up straight. For God’s sake don’t get in an elevator.

Lose your temper and you lose! If you can contain your anger over the little irritants that will nag at you this month it's like money in the bank. Save it up for something special and then you can use it for something meaningful, perhaps with an Uzi at a shopping mall. And won't you be glad then that you didn't waste it on those cold french fries?

Romance is on the forefront this month. Or it may be a head cold. Hell, something like that. It's hard to tell but it involves buying a lot of Kleenex. If it's a cold, try onion soup. If it's romance I wouldn't. You will meet someone whose name begins with R who will either sweep you off your feet or borrow money from you. Hell, something like that. Maybe they'll give your their cold.

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