Your February Planet Horoscope

The Planet got good and sick of trying to find a replacement for Madame I. Liner. You gits what you pays fer, the saying goes, and if Madame I is not the best prognosticator money can buy, she's the best The Planet could git with The Planet's budget.

So here the overpainted old sybil is, back again with a fresh load of astrological advice to spread on the garden of your life. Take it with a grain, box, or Great Lake of salt! And if it's bad advice, please remember there's no point suing The Planet because in the garden of your life The Planet is a turnip, which no good can come from squeezing.

Your iron will and boundless energy will help you overcome any obstacle today! But take the Glock anyway. Nutrition is important, so pack a healthy lunch and extra ammo. Take out the security guard first and instruct the teller to give you the cash in tens and twenties. Tell her no ‘tude and no ink on the bills this time, you know where she lives and will shoot her cat. Oh, and hon, I know it makes your face sweat but don’t take the mask off this time unless you miss prison food.

You’ll awaken feeling sparkling and witty today but for God’s sake don’t tell the one about the man with the tiny head. Everybody’s heard it and it wasn’t funny the first time. Your joie de vivre will peek out like the sun from behind a cloud but after what happened last time don’t you think you’d better just push the damn thing back under the blankets? Remember what the letter from the ACLU said. Your Pisces charm can go a long way but bribing the judge is far more reliable.

Get fit! Go to an aerobics or yoga class today. Get to work! Try to clear your desk of the tasks you’ve been putting off. Make friends! Accept any invitation extended to you (even the ones involving strange men in rusty sedans with bottles in paper bags—your stars are pumpin’ today, Aries!) Dress up! No browns, only shades of red and gold today! Eat right! Plenty of vegetables for dinner—not green beans, Brussels sprouts—and afterwards read a novel--not Stephen King; try Trollope—instead of watching television! And above all, Aries, think for yourself!

A conflict between career obligations and home responsibilities could present itself today, Taurus. I’d tell you to strive for balance, to find a compromise and act on it; but both of us know you’ll ditch the job as usual and lie around watching the soaps until your spouse threatens divorce. The only reason you took the job in the first place was the new car and wardrobe, and now that you’ve squashed Rolos into the upholstery and gotten too fat for the threads it was only a matter of time. So what I’ll advise instead is to clean out your desk by lunchtime because there’s a killer episode today of The Bold and the Beautiful. Pick up some chips on the way home and you’re set until time for Social Security.

​Put your money into something solid. Like the bank. Take care of the pennies and the nickels take care of themselves. Of course, both of those are more or less valueless these days except as paperweights so forget I mentioned it. Remember, your moon is in the third house, Venus is ascendant, Mars is on the cusp and we all know what that means. Anyway, you leave five-dollar bills strewn in the flowerbeds as you walk by and a little trail of quarters every place you’ve sat. It’s why I’ve been following you. By the way, you need to clean out your laundry room. There’s mildew in here.

The moon starts out today in your footloose and flirty first house, travels on to your dutiful and industrious sixth house this afternoon and winds up in your slobbering and crazed twelfth house by nightfall. Be careful what you eat as your moon passes through its desperate and depraved fourth house around lunchtime, and try not to offend anyone as the journey continues through your sullen and slutty seventh house. Don’t let your dank and dirty eighth house get you down. The place is a dump. Ought to be razed to the ground but does anybody listen to me? Anyway, cheer up, your cute and cozy tenth house has a wet bar. Oh, and BTW, you may feel a bit scattered today.

One of your many great gifts is recognizing opportunity where others just see a roadblock. With your moon in Ares giving you confidence, you sometimes leave others in a puff of smoke as you think outside the box. Other times, it ain’t your moon in Aries that’s giving you confidence. You ought to know better after the last time. They’re not as lenient with repeat offenders. And sometimes, Leo, a roadblock is just a roadblock and that’s what it was Friday night. The cops are looking for you. It wasn’t just a puff of smoke you left behind this time but a piece of the door with a VIN number. Those sunglasses fool nobody, and you’re getting hat hair. Maybe you ought to climb back inside that box.

I see a tall, dark stranger walking up to your door this week. No, wait, that’s just the FedEx guy. He’s walking because he can’t get up your driveway in his truck. (You should really get that sucker graded. It’s why nobody comes to see you.) Anyway, the FedEx man is not happy. In fact he’s kicking your cat. He’s asked his supervisor three times now for a different route. It’s not just your driveway. It creeps him out the way you’re always trying to get him to stay a minute longer and admire your flowerbeds. Sometimes he and the UPS driver get together for beers and your name comes up. Your mailman comes, too. No, I don’t know what’s in the package! How would I know that? Do you think I can see every little detail?

Slow down! some people need to be ordered. Relax! they have to be told: Where’s the fire? Take a minute to smell the roses! But you, Libra, you got no problems like that. If over-achieving is a sickness you’re the healthiest person in the county. (Which is just as well since you’ve used up all your sick days this year and it isn’t even February.) You haven’t been trying to unify the Mideast so much lately as to become one with the furniture. You’ve got the rose-smelling thing down for sure, but you might be overdoing it. It’s bad to lay waste your powers getting and spending, but there’s nothing wrong with getting up for your own snacks. I’m not bringing you one more hot dog. So speed up, Libra! If you get any more relaxed, you really may be pronounced dead.

Your moon is ascendant this month, Scorpio, but that’s no excuse in the eyes of the law. Anyway at this point your best hope is probably a plea bargain. I think if you word your resignation humbly enough, and apologize to the family, they’ll consider dropping the felony charges, but you’re on your own with the civil courts. I’ve heard the other side is seriously lawyering up so you’d better get in there with your checkbook before the slick guys all sign with the victims—excuse me, plaintiffs. Good luck, and remember I told you so. Also, that scarf is wrong for you.

Don’t feel you must follow the crowd! (It is, in fact, pointless, since they were careful not to leave you any clue where they were going. They made me promise not to tell if you asked.) In any case, it’s time to strike out on your own! Forge your own path! Star in your own movie! (You might as well, since you couldn’t get a date if you paid for it.) Sometimes it’s better, anyway, to think your own thoughts, keep your own company, and eat at a table set for one! (Like you have any choice. Last time anybody came to take you anywhere it was the cops.) And remember, Sagittarius, greet each day with a happy smile!

With your moon in your harmonious seventh house most of the day, you're eager to create compromise. But trying to make everyone happy is exhausting—and in most cases, an impossible mission! So later in the afternoon, when the moon has shifted into willful Leo, you might be ready for a bloody fire battle with the federal government. Don't yield too much: People respond best when you're powerful and direct. Though it’s best not to kill any hostages if you can possibly avoid it. And I don’t like that scarf, either.

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