The Debut of The Dear Abby Appeals Board

June 30, 2016





Editor's Note: The following letter and response are excerpted from the syndicated feature Dear Abby. The rest is PURE PLANET....






DEAR ABBY: I recently received a very competitive internship in New York. I'm excited and can't wait to go. I have never been to New York, and my mom is driving me crazy over it.


She's using my internship as an excuse to go on vacation to "see me," even though I have told her multiple times that I won't be able to do anything with her because I'll be working full time. She doesn't have a car and expects to use mine, and she's constantly sending me information about stuff "we" can do in New York. It is overwhelming, and I'm getting very stressed out.


I just want to go by myself and have my own experience. We don't have that good a relationship. Would it be bad if I asked her not to come? -- STRESSED OUT NEW INTERN


​DEAR INTERN: You have already told your mother -- with whom you do not have a good relationship -- that you will be busy. Repeat that message often. When she sends you literature about things you can do together, point out that your time must be devoted to one thing -- your internship. If she makes reservations to come to New York, tell her you would prefer that she not come until your internship is finished, unless she's prepared to do all of the activities she's planning on her own.



THE DADE PLANET: Oh. My. God! And I thought nobody could give worse advice than me except Rosie and der Fuhrer!








ROOSEVELT FORD WALLACE: Did somebody say my name?







Der Fuhrer: Scheisskopf! Hundin! Fotze!







CHARLENE THE SMALL-TOWN SNOOP: I didn’t understand a word of that but it don’t sound like he’s calling you to church, hon. Anyway, I know what you mean. I used to like old Abby but I tell you, she ain’t been the same since she died.




I know. Her daughter writes the columns now and she doesn’t even think it through, she just says whatever the letter writer wants to hear.






Usually when I hear my name it’s time to eat, or go for a walk. I like walks!






I’m with you, Planet. You want to give good advice, you gotta be a little mean sometimes.







Kill ...







Not that mean! Back to the bunker, Adolph.







SOCRATES:  μπορώ να δώσω συμβουλές.








That’s a great idea, Socrates! We can all give advice. So why don’t we get together and form a Dear Abby Appeals Panel?  We can cooperate and find an answer we all agree on. Let’s start with “Stressed-Out Intern.”






Shtressed? I vill giff him somezing dot vill shtress him!






I don’t like it when people talk mean. It scares me and sometimes I—oh no!







Oh, Rosie! Somebody hand me a towel.






Cheryl, the Goddess of Love: Here. But back to our intern. I agree about the panel. Who wants to go first?     







Let me. I ain’t kicked nobody’s ass all day.

Listen up, sonny. I reckon if you are an intern, that means you have just finished your college education. Now, I am fixin’ to go way out on a limb but I am betting you didn’t pay for that all by yourself, did you? 




That’s what I was thinking, Charlene. I bet Mama coughed up at least partially for books, tuition, room and board.







Not to mention gestating the ungrateful little snot! And feeding him and clothing him for the first 18 years.















Sardo, Who Knows All, Tells All: The Greek guy’s right. I bet she bought you the car, too, didn’t she, asshole?






​​Socrates, hon, where I come from, we leave our sheets on the bed come morning. But if you’re going to wear yours, I’d hitch it up a mite, because I just got a pretty good gander of your πέος.






Intern? Your mother sounds, like, totally EVIL. You know what you should do, man? Get you a good sharp knife and come over for a Family dinner. We’ll drop some acid and then we’ll—







Eek. I am beginning to understand that all sorts of people give worse advice than I do (including some who get paid LOTS OF MONEY to do it). So I feel empowered to advise you, Intern, to be nice to your mama! Give her the bed! You can sleep on the floor.




Und I hope there are SCNAKES there!






And let her drive the car, too. If you’re that all-farred busy, Mr. Important, you got no use for it nohow.






Though even interns are given time off to eat, and from the tone of your letter, Little Lord Internroy, I bet you’ll let Mama take you out to restaurants you couldn’t afford otherwise, no matter how awful your “relationship.”




​​ ​​

Und I hope you choke!








η ζωή είναι μεγάλη!








That’s right, Intern. Life is long enough that you’ll have plenty of time to experience New York on your own—







—after gross old Mama shuffles back to the boonies to wash her hump.






Vash her vot?







I think Charlene means, like, soak her teeth. Anyway, are we all agreed, folks? Great! Here’s to the Dear Abby Appeals Board’s first successful decision!






​​ Here, here! I move that we meet back here next week, same time, same place, and deal with another question that ABBY MADE A SOUP OF!



Well, I thought somebody said my name. But if nobody wants me, after all, I guess I’ll go back to the flowerbed and resume licking my butt.


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