Advice by Roosevelt Ford Wallace
We are a small city government at the center of the universe. Recently we’ve been meeting in secret to change the city charter. We know we’re supposed to do everything in the open but hey! This was important. We didn’t want any interference from the press, or those pesky old voters!
What was so all-fired important that we knowingly defied the open meeting rules? Nasty infighting, that’s what! We needed to take down another elected official to show that we were the boss. This official was answerable only to the voters and we can’t have that!
The state legislature said fine, whatever, and we got the elected office taken off this year’s ballot without one word to the voters. In fact, everything was going just peachy until a mean old newspaper latched onto it and started yapping at us. Now people are saying nasty things about us on Facebook and a complaint has been lodged with the state Department of Law.
Rosie, what should we do?
Goodness! You do have some worries, don’t you? I’m not sure I can help you with all of them, especially the legal matters. Some dogs are good at the law--there’s the “Legal Beagle,” to say nothing of the Parliamenterrier--but I’m afraid I’m a German shepherd. (Mostly.)
But I’ll see what I can do, Red. Let’s take your problems one at a time.
It sounds to me like this all started because you needed to show this other elected official you were more important than they were. That happens to me all the time and you know what I do?
I go on walkies with the other dog and wait until they pee. Then I go over and pee on top of where they did. That shows ‘em!
I apologize if that sounds overly simple. I guess it is simple. But it isn’t against the law and it doesn’t require changing any old charter. So I reckon I’ll stick with it.
The next problem I see is that you’ve got the press, and maybe the voters, too, mad at you. What I do in a situation like that is lower my head so my nose is pointing down and stick the flat part into the side of whoever’s mad at me. I have never met anybody who can resist this.
But if your voters are exceptionally hard-hearted, you might try the limping trick. What you do is you hold up one paw like it hurts, hobble along on the remaining three legs, and look up at them with big sad eyes as if you believed they could stop the pain.
(This works best if you can remember to consistently hold up the same paw.)
Finally, you’ve got this problem of the mean newspaper that needs to be put in its place. I take it you’ve already tried peeing on top of where it peed? Leg-humping is also a time-honored doggie dominance technique, but can be misunderstood.
If worse comes to worst, you can always bite somebody.
Editor's Note: Do you have a question for Rosie? Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Avoid medical questions unless you enjoy the taste of grass.
For that matter, The Planet has a full panel of underemployed advice columnists quivering for a crack at solving your problems, straightening out your love life and helping you achieve personal fulfillment and/or nirvana.
There’s Charlene (left), the Small-Town Snoop, who knows more about your problems than you do! There’s Cheryl (right),
the Goddess of Love, who specializes in matters of the heart! There’s Socrates, who wears a sheet but isn’t full of it! And there are Hitler and Charlie Manson, who take time off to give advice even now that they’ve both landed top jobs in the Trump Administration!
You can sample all these advisers, and more, under The Planet’s advice column tab above, or here’s a quick link: https://www.dadeplanet.com/advice
To ask a question of any of The Planet’s experts, just email email@example.com, and specify whose advice you seek. Don’t be surprised if they all feel free to chime in, though!