Madam I. Liner, a professional prognosticator whose big earrings and black eyeliner qualify her to predict your future, returns to guide you through life, love and investment opportunities this October! If you have questions for Madam I. Liner, email them to firstname.lastname@example.org!
It’s time to get down to business, Libra! You can’t make an omelet without breaking eggs! (Unless you use that zero-cholesterol egg replacement stuff they sell in cartons in the dairy section.) Vast, storied fortunes don’t just make themselves! And neither do beds. (If you buy the store brand it costs like half.) Anyway. Stop making excuses and make history! Or at least make a living. Or the bed. Break those eggs! (Frankly I’ve always preferred the real ones myself. There’s just something about that chicken-butt taste.) Anyway, go get ‘em, Libra, and remember: You gotta clean a lot of rugs before you sell a vacuum cleaner.
What did I tell you last month, Scorpio? Your mate might be stupid but your mate is not blind. Everybody in town knew about the abandoned corncrib! The tenth-grade biology students were videotaping it for their sex-ed homework. It was just a matter of time before your naked noontime frolics went live and viral on Facebook. And that excuse you gave your mate about mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? It would have been more credible if anyone had been injured, if you had had CPR training, or if that’s where your mouth had been. Honestly, Hot Pants, ever thought about using your lunch hour to eat lunch?
Don’t feel you must go with the mainstream, Sagittarius. Show a little backbone for once! Remember in the third grade when you blew your lunch money on a used People Pal set even though you thought they were creepy (remember “My Secret Friend,” who lived in a trunk in the attic?) just because the other kids liked them? What an idiot! Then, in high school, just because you wanted to be one of the cool kids, and the cool kids were doing drugs…
This is The Dade Planet. May I have a word?
…you stole that money from your mother’s purse to buy dope from the boy with the mirror-lens aviator shades….
Can’t you see I’m busy? I was just telling Sagittarius here…
Leave poor Sagittarius alone for a minute. Frankly, Madame I, I’ve become a little concerned about your methods. For one thing you’re brutal. There is no need to call people idiots! And for another you’re too specific. Last month you told Pisces to stick to the terms of their parole agreement…
And that’s bad advice?
No, but how are we to believe that 1/12th of the earth’s population is on probation from a prison sentence? Or has just been outed on FB for adultery? Or has a pair of ugly brown shoes they shouldn’t wear?
Oh, Planet, Planet, Planet… If you can’t believe that “romance is at the forefront” for 1/12th of the population, or that 1/12th of the population should “wear shades of gold and orange today,” you probably ain’t going to be reading a horoscope column nohow. As for calling them idiots, I’m sorry, but it gets frustrating giving people advice Straight From The Stars and watching them keep sneaking off to the corncrib anyway; and as for meanness, the idiots don’t pay you any mind at all unless you yell at ‘em. Oh, and honey, everybody has a pair of ugly brown shoes.
I don’t believe 1/12th of the population should wear gold today but it’s even harder for me to believe 1/12th of them are cavorting in corncribs. I’m not sure about the shoes. Bottom line, though, Madam, is that horoscopes are happy horse patootie! But note qualifier “happy.” People who read nothing else in the newspaper read their horoscopes. I want them to read this newspaper. So give the poor slobs a break. Say something nice to them. Make them happy!
I don’t tell you to report only “nice” news…
I’m not going to argue with you Madam I. This ain't a democracy. Now go back in there now and do it right. Just stick to general nonsense that will encourage the readers. Buck ‘em up! Like that bit you told Libra about the rugs and the vacuum cleaners, that was great stuff. That’s the idea!
Sheesh. For what they pay me...
Sagittarius? You there? OK, kid, I apologize what I said about the drugs and the People Pals…
Though I’ll admit you were right about the People Pals. “My Secret Friend” was seriously weird.
…but as I was saying before we were so rudely interrupted, Sagittarius, you should get out of the mainstream, set your own course, trim your own sails, weigh your own anchor and set sail at a brisk clip to follow your own dream. And don’t give up. Remember: You gotta shuck a lot of oysters before you find a pearl.
Is that better?
Yeah, but maybe overly nautical. I feel a bit seasick.
I’ll take that for a yes. And you’re welcome!
Capricorn, someone may try to mislead you this month, or persuade you to risk your money on a crazy venture. It may be someone close to you. In fact it may be your mother. You were never her favorite child. Do you really owe her anything after the way she destroyed your self-esteem before the Christmas pageant in the third grade? (And the angel costume did not, either, make you look like three tennis balls wrapped in toilet paper.)
There you go again. Keep it general! And encouraging!
Yeah, yeah. In general, Capricorn, be careful about money, and don’t trust near family members. Remember, you gotta saw a lot of babies in two before you find true mother love.
Next! Aquarius, creative financial moves will help you secure your position. But not as creative as last time! Please remember the federal indictment. And the 10 years in medium security. And the big tattooed cellmate whose “bitch” you had to become to avoid further unpleasantry in the shower room. In fact, Aquarius, why don’t you forget about the financial creativity and just borrow money from friends like normal? Be persistent! Remember, you gotta squeeze a lot of turnips before you hit an artery. Next?
I hear wedding bells for you this month, Pisces, or then again, that may just be static caused by the neighbor’s electric fence. Or maybe a police siren. I don’t know. You think prognostication is easy? You get all excited about seeing romance in the stars and it just turns out to be the space station, an airplane, or a firefly hanging around into October because no lady firefly would give him any lovin’ all summer. I expect you know how that feels, Pisces.
The important thing, though, Pisces, is to stay positive! Don’t give up on romance. Remember, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you marry a prince.
Come quick, Aries, before that damn Planet butts in again!
Aries, your job puts too much pressure on you. Blow off some steam by going out for dinner at a posh restaurant, shopping at a store you can’t afford, maybe even buying a new car. Of course, that will bury you deeper in debt, further enslaving you to an unnatural and oppressive financial system that doesn’t care whether you live or die. Oh, hell, Aries, why not quit the damn job? You could make a living dealing blackjack, maybe pick up gigs playing guitar. Pursue your passion! Remember: You gotta follow a lot of rainbows before you find your pot of gold!
Madam, I’m really beginning to think you’re too irresponsible to be featured in a family newspaper. You can’t just tell people to quit their jobs.
You are lecturing me on financial responsibility? You run an independent newspaper! Prognostication ain’t steady but occasionally a girl’s palm gets crossed with silver. How often does yours? Anyway, I ended on an upbeat tone, didn’t I?
I suppose. Though I thought to find the pot of gold you had to catch a leprechaun.
Oh, please. You don’t believe in astrology, but leprechauns are your retirement strategy? Excuse me. Some people are working here.
Taurus! I see you’ve done something about the hair as I advised you last month but I think you may have been a bit extreme. Or were you planning to join the armed services? Well, it will grow. And I do admire your initiative! Wouldn’t it be nice if you could do something about your chronic lying and moral torpitude as easily? Walk into a salon, slap down your credit card, and say, Cut off these character flaws, Michel, I want a beautiful soul!
You’re doing it again, Madam I. Remember. Upbeat! Encouraging!
Well, keep striving to improve your deplorable character, Taurus! Remember: You gotta body-slam a lot of short men before you catch a leprechaun.
That was offensive.
Look who’s talking! Oh, sorry, Gemini, I was talking to somebody else.
October looks good for you fiscally, Gemini! Put your money where your mouth is. Invest! Take chances! Faint heart never won fat profits! Information about Madam I. Liner’s Prognosticatin’ Brokerage Service is available at her website, afoolandhismoney.com. Pay no attention to naysayers, your overly cautious spouse, news media or the SEC. The more you invest, the more you make! Remember: You gotta plant a lot of magic beans before you make your money back on the cow.
What a scam. You’re sailing close to the wind, Madam. You’re skating on thin ice. You’re walking on shaky ground.
It beats tying your wagon to a tiny green man, honey.
Someone isn’t telling you the truth, Cancer. Question what you hear. The government is plotting against you.
You did that last month.
People never get tired of it.
There are noxious chemicals in your drinking water, your bedroom is bugged and a person you trust with your deepest secrets is spilling them all over Facebook. (BTW, is it true about you and the piano tuner?) But don’t give up. You can get to the bottom of this if you keep digging. Remember: You gotta interrogate a lot of mermaids before you find the best tuna.
All right, Madam. I see through your cheap ruse. You’re not honestly trying to encourage the reader at all. You’re just scouring the inside of your star-spangled, over-eyelined head for the most outrageous examples you can put into the form of “Remember: You gotta blank a lot of blanks before you blank a blank.”
I am not. It would never occur to me to do such a thing. Now, if you don’t mind, I have not completed the horoscope.
“Act like you want to be” is a good mantra for character traits, Leo. Acting brave, confident and cheerful, when you really feel like cringing fetally beneath the sheets, is an excellent path toward eventual poise and happiness. I’m afraid, though, the principle simply does not extend to clothes-shopping. Buying the size 8 does not make you size 8, it just makes your friends laugh at you and plays hell with the zippers. But do not despair, Leo! Stick with the diet! Re-up your gym membership! Remember: You gotta eat a lot of leaves, spin a lot of spit into a protective outer covering, release a lot of enzymes that digest your guts into soup, and hang upside down from a tree a lot of days before you emerge triumphantly as a beautiful butterfly.
OK. That’s it. I can’t stand it anymore! You’re fired!
Very well, Planet, it is clear we do not see eye to eye; but I am a professional and I will finish my column before departing. Virgo, please.
Virgo, look for a unique job that will use your special talents to earn a living. (If you find one, do you think you can get ‘em to hire me, too? I seem to be on the market.) If you enjoy what you do, Virgo, you will make a good job of it. (But don’t enjoy it so much you let your guard down. There is always some officious prick looking over your shoulder, questioning your methods and jabbing you in the butt with their goddam planetary rings.) The job market may seem tight, and employers may seem to favor younger applicants, but one thing age gives you is experience lying on your resume. Take heart, Virgo! Remember: You gotta break a lot of glass slippers before you find a prince dumb enough to save you from your gig in cinder management.
Gentle Readers, The Planet apologizes for the monstrous methods of Madam I. Liner, offers you every condolence, and hopes to God you won't sue.
Next month, The Planet will strive to bring you a more professional prognosticator, one less apt to hyperbole, and with more tasteful eye makeup. Until then!